Beauty Queens

13,081
05.03.2019

“You got the best one,” Miss Ohio lamented.

“Here. Merry Christmas. I come from sallow people. I accept my fate.” Adina handed the bronzer to Miss Montana, who singsonged “Awesome!” and promised to share with her teammates as long as they didn’t all use the brush and get it bacterified, which would give them pimples.

“Teen Dreamers, I am very proud of us. You’ve given us the Department of Teen Dreamland Security. Personally, I know I will sleep better tonight knowing this is here. If anything tries to mess with us, we will show it that Miss Teen Dreamers mean business.”

“What’s your weapon?” Adina pressed.

Taylor cocked her head as if she had just asked the stupidest question in the world. “I am my own weapon, Miss New Hampshire.”

“Ready!” Petra shouted.

The girls stopped what they were doing and went to help Petra with the banner she’d been sewing for many days. “All right, Miss Teen Dreamers. Let’s get that banner a-wavin’ proud like the red, white, and blue!” Shanti balanced on Jennifer’s shoulders, and Adina sat on Nicole’s. They tied the corners to the limbs of two scraggly trees.

“How does it look?” Shanti called down.

Petra’s needlework was evident in the carefully crafted letters: IT’S MISS TEEN DREAM, BITCHES!

Petra stepped back to examine it. She smiled. “Perfect.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK

VOICEOVER

This Tuesday, on PATRIOT DAUGHTERS!

(A group of British soldiers bursts into the home of BETSY ROSS, surrounding her and her reading circle of comely young women.)

VO, CONT’D.

Has time finally run out for Betsy and her revolutionary band of sisters?

BRITISH COMMANDER

Miss Ross, we are to arrest you for treason. You give these rebels a symbol through your sewing, I hear. What say you to these charges?

(Betsy sheds her dressing gown. Underneath, she wears stockings and a skimpy undershirt. The other women follow suit.)

BETSY ROSS

How could I make a flag, sir, when I seem to have run out of thread?

VO, CONT’D.

She gave it all for her country — and then she gave just a little more.

Watch the show critics say “makes American history totally hot… . It takes some of the most important women of the Revolutionary War and turns them into hellcats who fight the British with everything they’ve got — and then some.”

Followed by the season premiere of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER.

(Several hunky, shirtless young men in breeches, earrings, and very little else stand on a large ship. There seems to be a feeling of mutiny in the air.)

PIRATE CHU

Cor blimey, Cap’n Sinjin! We ran away from prep school for this?

CAPTAIN SINJIN

Might I remind you that we witnessed a murder and were forced to go on the run? Believe me, I’d rather be studying for my chem final than running from barmy terrorist blokes who want to kill us just because we know too much.

PIRATE AHMED

Captain! Starboard — look!

(Captain Sinjin puts a small telescope to his eye. When he pulls it away, his expression is one of teen heartthrob alarm. His hair is still perfect.)

CAPTAIN SINJIN

Gentlemen, we may get a battle yet.

FIRST MATE GEORGE

Should we oil our pecs, sir, so that we’ll look fantastic during the fight scenes?

CAPTAIN SINJIN

Indeed. Gentlemen! Glisten up those pecs! And if you’ve got any hair gel for making tousled waves, now’s the time to use it! We stand and fight. But we stand and fight with hotness on our side.

VOICEOVER

PATRIOT DAUGHTERS. Tuesdays at 8. CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER at 9. Followed by a special encore performance of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS III: THE CALL OF BOOTY at 10. Only on The Corporation Network: Giving you what you don’t even know you want.

MISS TEEN DREAM FUN FACTS PAGE!

Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!

Name: Sosie Simmons

State: Miss Illinois

Age:16

Height: 5’ 6”

Weight: 118 lbs

Hair: Strawberry blond

Eyes: Green

Best Feature: My hands

Fun Facts About Me:

I am hearing impaired but that doesn’t stop me! I hear with my heart. Well, not really. Because, as anybody who is not a complete and total moron knows, the heart does not have ears. This is the kind of s**t they make disabled people say all the time so everybody’s all “okay” with us. Soooo annoying.