Beauty Queens


BARRY REX: The plane was a Corporation plane, which have been rumored to have navigation troubles. The Corporation has been accused of cutting costs on its airlines. Do you think that could have something to do with this? Does this reflect badly on The Corporation?

LADYBIRD HOPE: I like your suit, Barry.

BARRY REX: Can you answer the question, please?

LADYBIRD HOPE: Barry, my opponents will stop at nothing to smear me just because I’m a straight talker who loves her country and her pageant. I can’t talk too much about it, but there’s evidence, Barry, that the plane was shot down by hostile forces. That this was a terrorist attack on this country’s best and brightest. The sort of scenario I warned about in my new book, Get Scared, America!

BARRY REX: What are you saying, Ladybird?

LADYBIRD HOPE: I’m saying that if I were president, this wouldn’t have happened. Not on my watch.

BARRY REX: The call-board is lighting up like a Christmas tree over here!

LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, it’s no coincidence that Christmas is Jesus’s holiday, Barry.

BARRY REX: We’ll take your calls in a moment. But first, Ladybird, you’ve come under fire recently for your promotion of a pageant that some see as antiquated. That the system rewards girls for being pretty and it values compliance and conformity rather than the boldness and rule-breaking that we pride in our boys and which often help them feel entitled to success, to getting ahead in life.

LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, frankly, that’s the sort of stuff I expect my critics to say, because they want to turn all women into sluts who can get an abortion at the drive-through while they’re off at college gettin’ indoctrinated with folk-singin’, patchouli-wearin’, hairy-armpit-advocatin’ feminism, which is just one step away from terrorism, and we should all be afraid of that.

BARRY REX: I’m not sure I —

LADYBIRD HOPE: Barry, let me give you a history lesson, Ladybird Hope-style. When the Vietnamese got kids hooked on drugs and we had to fight a war to stop it, did we give in?


LADYBIRD HOPE: No! We said “Crack is wack!” and we made sure everybody could have guns instead of drugs. Back before the British were our friends, and they had a mean king who made us pay too much tax instead of just having hot princes who go to nightclubs, they wanted to keep us from bringing freedom to the people of Mexico and making it a state, and George Washington had to chop down a cherry tree and write the “Star-Spangled Banner,” and that’s the reason we fought World War II, and why we keep fighting, because those freedom-hating people out there want to take away our right to be rich and good-lookin’ and have gated communities and designer sweatpants like the ones from my Ladybird Hope Don’t Sweat It line, and they want us all to learn to speak Muslim and let the lawyers stop us from teaching about Adam and Eve and that will be the day that every child gets left behind. Our country needs something to believe in, Barry. They need us to be that shining beacon on the hill, and that shining beacon will not have all these complications and tough questions about who we are, ’cause that’s hard, and nobody wants to think about that when you already have to decide whether you want Original Recipe or Extra Crispy and that little box is squawkin’ at ya. And let me tell you something, Barry, that shining beacon will have a talent portion and pretty girls, because if we don’t come out and twirl those batons and model our evening gowns and answer questions about geography, then the terrorists have won.

BARRY REX: Your Don’t Sweat It line is made in China.

LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, I can find China on my map, Barry, and these days, it looks a lot like America. All I can say is, these brave girls represent the very best of us, in both evening wear and talent, and I sure hope they’re okay. But if this is a terrorist attack, we will go after these evildoers, so help me, God.

BARRY REX: Anything else you’d like to add?

LADYBIRD HOPE: I think at this point all we can do is pray.


Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!

Name: Jennifer Huberman

State: Michigan


Height: 5’ 5”

Weight: Super featherweight

Hair: Auburn

Eyes: Brown

Best Feature: My razor-sharp retractable claws. Kidding. That’s an X-Men joke. Gotta say my guns. Check ’em out.